___________________________________

                           |                                   |

                           |  MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL  |

                           |___________________________________|

 

                                              FILM SCRIPT

 

 

 

                        Written as was performed in the feature film

                                               ---------

                                   Transcribed by Adam R. Jones

     Helpers:  Hans ten Cate, Rich Jackman, Malcolm Dickinson, Bret Shefter

 

 

   Monty Python and the Holy Grail - (c) 1974 - Python (Monty) Pictures, Ltd.

 

 

                           ______________________________________

                          |                                      |

                          |  The Cast: (in order of appearance)  |

                          |______________________________________|

 

                                     KING ARTHUR  Graham Chapman

                                              PATSY  Terry Gilliam

                                      SOLDIER #1  Michael Palin

                                      SOLDIER #2  John Cleese

                                     CART-MASTER  Eric Idle

                                        CUSTOMER  John Cleese

                                     DEAD PERSON  John Young

                                             DENNIS  Michael Palin

                                              WOMAN  Terry Jones

                                    BLACK KNIGHT  John Cleese

                                    GREEN KNIGHT  Terry Gilliam

                                     VILLAGER #1  Eric Idle

                                     VILLAGER #2  Michael Palin

                                    SIR BEDEVERE  Terry Jones

                                              WITCH  Connie Booth

                                     VILLAGER #3  John Cleese

                                     VILLAGER #4  Neil Innes

                                        NARRATOR  Michael Palin

                                   SIR LAUNCELOT  John Cleese

                                     SIR GALAHAD  Michael Palin

                                       SIR ROBIN  Eric Idle

                                        PRISONER  Mark Zycon

                                                MAN  Neil Innes

                                                GOD  Graham Chapman

                                    FRENCH GUARD  John Cleese    

                                       HISTORIAN  John Young

                                             KNIGHT  John Cleese

                             HISTORIAN'S WIFE  Rita Davies

                                        MINSTREL  Neil Innes

                                       LEFT HEAD  Terry Jones

                                     MIDDLE HEAD  Graham Chapman

                                      RIGHT HEAD  Michael Palin

                                               ZOOT  Carol Cleveland

                                             PIGLET  Avril Stewart

                                            WINSTON  Sally Kinghorn

                                              DINGO  Carol Cleveland

                         OLD MAN/BRIDGEKEEPER  Terry Gilliam

                            TIM THE ENCHANTER  John Cleese

                            HEAD KNIGHT OF NI  Michael Palin

                            CARTOON CHARACTER  Terry Jones

                                             FATHER  Michael Palin

                                  PRINCE HERBERT  Terry Jones

                                        GUARD #1  Eric Idle

                                        GUARD #2  Graham Chapman

                                        CONCORDE  Eric Idle

                                        GUEST #1  Michael Palin     

                                        GUEST #2  Michael Palin

                                       OLD CRONE  Bee Duffell

                           ROGER THE SHRUBBER  Eric Idle

                         RABBIT OF CAERBANNOG  himself

                                               BORS  Terry Gilliam

                                 BROTHER MAYNARD  Eric Idle

                                  SECOND BROTHER  Michael Palin

                                        ANIMATOR  Terry Gilliam

 

 ___________

|           |

|  Scene 1  |

|___________|

 

    [wind]

    [clop clop clop]

KING ARTHUR:  Whoa there!

    [clop clop clop]

SOLDIER #1:  Halt!  Who goes there?

ARTHUR:  It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot.

    King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!

SOLDIER #1:  Pull the other one!

ARTHUR:  I am,... and this is my trusty servant Patsy.  We have ridden the

    length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my

    court at Camelot.  I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER #1:  What?  Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR:  Yes!

SOLDIER #1:  You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR:  What?

SOLDIER #1:  You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em

    together.

ARTHUR:  So?  We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land,

    through the kingdom of Mercea, through--

SOLDIER #1:  Where'd you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR:  We found them.

SOLDIER #1:  Found them?  In Mercea?  The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR:  What do you mean?

SOLDIER #1:  Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR:  The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the

    plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to

    our land?

SOLDIER #1:  Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR:  Not at all.  They could be carried.

SOLDIER #1:  What?  A swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR:  It could grip it by the husk!

SOLDIER #1:  It's not a question of where he grips it!  It's a simple question

    of weight ratios!  A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

ARTHUR:  Well, it doesn't matter.  Will you go and tell your master that Arthur

    from the Court of Camelot is here.

SOLDIER #1:  Listen.  In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs

    to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

ARTHUR:  Please!

SOLDIER #1:  Am I right?

ARTHUR:  I'm not interested!

SOLDIER #2:  It could be carried by an African swallow!

SOLDIER #1:  Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow.

    That's my point.

SOLDIER #2:  Oh, yeah, I agree with that.

ARTHUR:  Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!

SOLDIER #1:  But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory.

SOLDIER #2:  Oh, yeah...

SOLDIER #1:  So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...

    [clop clop clop]

SOLDIER #2:  Wait a minute!  Supposing two swallows carried it together?

SOLDIER #1:  No, they'd have to have it on a line.

SOLDIER #2:  Well, simple!  They'd just use a strand of creeper!

SOLDIER #1:  What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

SOLDIER #2:  Well, why not?

 

 

 ___________

|           |

|  Scene 2  |

|___________|

 

    [thud]

    [clang]

CART-MASTER:  Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [cough cough...]

    [clang]

    [...cough cough]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!  Ninepence.

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out...

    [rewr!]

    ...your dead!

    [rewr!]

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

CUSTOMER:  Here's one.

CART-MASTER:  Ninepence.

DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!

CART-MASTER:  What?

CUSTOMER:  Nothing.  Here's your ninepence.

DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!

CART-MASTER:  'Ere.  He says he's not dead!

CUSTOMER:  Yes he is.

DEAD PERSON:  I'm not!

CART-MASTER:  He isn't?

CUSTOMER:  Well, he will be soon.  He's very ill.

DEAD PERSON:  I'm getting better!

CUSTOMER:  No you're not.  You'll be stone dead in a moment.

CART-MASTER:  Oh, I can't take him like that.  It's against regulations.

DEAD PERSON:  I don't want to go on the cart!

CUSTOMER:  Oh, don't be such a baby.

CART-MASTER:  I can't take him.

DEAD PERSON:  I feel fine!

CUSTOMER:  Well, do us a favor.

CART-MASTER:  I can't.

CUSTOMER:  Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes?  He won't be long.

CART-MASTER:  No, I've got to go to the Robinson's.  They've lost nine today.

CUSTOMER:  Well, when's your next round?

CART-MASTER:  Thursday.

DEAD PERSON:  I think I'll go for a walk.

CUSTOMER:  You're not fooling anyone you know.  Look, isn't there something

    you can do?

DEAD PERSON:  [singing]  I feel happy... I feel happy.

    [whop]

CUSTOMER:  Ah, thanks very much.

CART-MASTER:  Not at all.  See you on Thursday.

CUSTOMER:  Right.  All right.

    [howl]

    [clop clop clop]

    Who's that then?

CART-MASTER:  I dunno.  Must be a king.

CUSTOMER:  Why?

CART-MASTER:  He hasn't got shit all over him.

 

 

 ___________

|           |

|  Scene 3  |

|___________|

 

    [thud]

    [King Arthur music]

    [thud thud thud]

    [King Arthur music stops]

ARTHUR:  Old woman!

DENNIS:  Man!

ARTHUR:  Man.  Sorry.  What knight live in that castle over there?

DENNIS:  I'm thirty-seven.

ARTHUR:  I-- what?

DENNIS:  I'm thirty-seven.  I'm not old.

ARTHUR:  Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.

DENNIS:  Well, you could say 'Dennis'.

ARTHUR:  Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.

DENNIS:  Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

ARTHUR:  I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you

    looked--

DENNIS:  What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

ARTHUR:  Well, I am king!

DENNIS:  Oh king, eh, very nice.  And how d'you get that, eh?  By exploiting

    the workers!  By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates

    the economic and social differences in our society.  If there's ever going

    to be any progress with the--

WOMAN:  Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here.  Oh!  How d'you do?

ARTHUR:  How do you do, good lady.  I am Arthur, King of the Britons.  Who's

    castle is that?

WOMAN:  King of the who?

ARTHUR:  The Britons.

WOMAN:  Who are the Britons?

ARTHUR:  Well, we all are.  We are all Britons, and I am your king.

WOMAN:  I didn't know we had a king.  I thought we were an autonomous

    collective.

DENNIS:  You're fooling yourself.  We're living in a dictatorship.  A self-

    perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--

WOMAN:  Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again.

DENNIS:  That's what it's all about.  If only people would hear of--

ARTHUR:  Please, please good people.  I am in haste.  Who lives in that castle?

WOMAN:  No one live there.

ARTHUR:  Then who is your lord?

WOMAN:  We don't have a lord.

ARTHUR:  What?

DENNIS:  I told you.  We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune.  We take it in

    turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

ARTHUR:  Yes.

DENNIS:  But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special

    bi-weekly meeting--

ARTHUR:  Yes, I see.

DENNIS:  By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--

ARTHUR:  Be quiet!

DENNIS:  But by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--

ARTHUR:  Be quiet!  I order you to be quiet!

WOMAN:  Order, eh?  Who does he think he is?  Heh.

ARTHUR:  I am your king!

WOMAN:  Well, I didn't vote for you.

ARTHUR:  You don't vote for kings.

WOMAN:  Well, how did you become king then?

ARTHUR:  The Lady of the Lake,...

    [angels sing]

    ...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from

    the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was

    to carry Excalibur.

    [singing stops]

    That is why I am your king!

DENNIS:  Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis

    for a system of government.  Supreme executive power derives from a mandate

    from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

ARTHUR:  Be quiet!

DENNIS:  Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just

    'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

ARTHUR:  Shut up!

DENNIS:  I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some

    moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

ARTHUR:  Shut up, will you.  Shut up!

DENNIS:  Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

ARTHUR:  Shut up!

DENNIS:  Oh!  Come and see the violence inherent in the system!  Help, help!

    I'm being repressed!

ARTHUR:  Bloody peasant!

DENNIS:  Oh, what a give-away.  Did you hear that?  Did you hear that, eh?

    That's what I'm on about.  Did you see him repressing me?  You saw it,

    didn't you?

 

 

 ___________

|           |

|  Scene 4  |

|___________|

 

    [King Arthur music]

    [music stops]

BLACK KNIGHT:  Aaaagh!

    [King Arthur music]

    [music stops]

BLACK KNIGHT:  Aaagh!

GREEN KNIGHT:  Ooh!

    [King Arthur music]

    [music stops]

    [stab]

BLACK KNIGHT:  Aagh!

GREEN KNIGHT:  Oh!

    [King Arthur music]

    Ooh!

    [music stops]

BLACK KNIGHT:  Aaaagh!

    [clang]

BLACK KNIGHT and GREEN KNIGHT:  Agh!, oh!, etc.

GREEN KNIGHT:  Aaaaaah!  Aaaaaaaaah!

    [woosh]

    [BLACK KNIGHT kills GREEN KNIGHT]

    [thud]

    [scrape]

BLACK KNIGHT:  Umm!

    [clop clop clop]

ARTHUR:  You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.

    [pause]

    I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

    [pause]

    I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my

    court at Camelot.

    [pause]

    You have proved yourself worthy.  Will you join me?

    [pause]

    You make me sad.  So be it.  Come, Patsy.

BLACK KNIGHT:  None shall pass.

ARTHUR:  What?

BLACK KNIGHT:  None shall pass.

ARTHUR:  I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this

    bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT:  Then you shall die.

ARTHUR:  I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!

BLACK KNIGHT:  I move for no man.

ARTHUR:  So be it!

ARTHUR and BLACK KNIGHT:  Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc.

    [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]

ARTHUR:  Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

BLACK KNIGHT:  'Tis but a scratch.

ARTHUR:  A scratch?  Your arm's off!

BLACK KNIGHT:  No, it isn't.

ARTHUR:  Well, what's that then?

BLACK KNIGHT:  I've had worse.

ARTHUR:  You liar!

BLACK KNIGHT:  Come on, you pansy!

    [clang]

    Huyah!

    [clang]

    Hiyaah!

    [clang]

    Aaaaaaaah!

    [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]

ARTHUR:  Victory is mine!

    [kneeling]

    We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer--

BLACK KNIGHT:  Hah!

    [clunk]

    Come on then.

ARTHUR:  What?

BLACK KNIGHT:  Have at you!

    [kick]

ARTHUR:  Eh.  You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.

BLACK KNIGHT:  Oh, had enough, eh?

ARTHUR:  Look, you stupid bastard.  You've got no arms left.

BLACK KNIGHT:  Yes I have.

ARTHUR:  Look!

BLACK KNIGHT:  Just a flesh wound.